Hailey Elizabeth Nicole Evans

My best friends little girl. Hailey. 9 years old, the same age as my youngest, Delaney. The other day, Laney asked me why, everytime she has a best friend, something happens and she doesn't have them anymore. Keri moved. We moved from Amanda. And now, Hailey died.

Hailey. In all seriousness, I'm not sure I'm ready to write this.

Her mother and I grew up together. Same neighborhood, a middle america development on top of a hill that overlooked Three Mile Island. Great place to grow up. Tons of kids my age, all sneaking out at night in the summer to build a tree house by the light of the moon. Good kids. We didn't do anything wrong. No drugs, no alcohol (till later), everyone was friends no matter who their parents were. I moved there when I was almost 10, just after my dad died in a motorcycle crash.

Tracy and I were friends through high school even though she was a band front buddy and I was a cheerleader. (who was worse???:) After high school, we went our separate ways. We made choices that took us to different parts of the country. Then my mom moved to Florida and there was no more 'going home'. Life took it's own course and soon we weren't even in touch.

In 2001, my life and marriage fell apart. A few months later, I went out with this guy from France. Patrick. Handsome, wealthy, used to be a pop star in Europe. Just date, no serious. Still my friend. So, we go to a nice restaurant that has a big deck that overlooks the river. I'm not driving so, yep, I'm drinking. The waitress was a little less than attentive so Patrick went to the bar to order some festive beverages. He came back to the table and who delivered the drinks then? My Tracy! We were so happy to run into each other. It's been tight ever since. Tight. As if we never missed any time in the middle just about. Except we both have 3 kids and broken marriages. My oldest and youngest are the same ages as her oldest and middle. We became instant family again. All of us. Everyone got along (most of the time, they were like sisters and brothers so, yeah, most of the time) and we spent a couple days every week together.

Hailey. Sweet, a little quiet. Always kind and helpful. Generous. As she grew, she became an avid reader. She had asthma so being real active and getting riled up wasn't an option. She was bummed when everyone else was running around outside and she had to keep it low key. She always asked if I thought she would grow out of the asthma. She asked everyone, actually. That was her wish, to be able to play the same way with the kids when they were outside raising cain. In the mean time, though, she helped us out and hung out and became quite the little miss. Talk about girlie girl. Wow, such a little diva! She would dress up and do her hair and nails. She would wear frilly, pretty, sparkly anything. Everything. I love to take pics of the kids and my children do crap like make faces, hide their faces, look away. Anything to ruin my photo! (brats!) Hailey, though, always a big smile. Always looked right at you and posed just how you wanted. She took a great picture too! Big blue eyes and long light brown hair. Waif. She was slender and lanky. I always thought she might grow up to be a model. Beautiful smile. I wish I could post some pictures but I tried a couple of times and this damn blogger won't let me. Most of the time she was the only kid that was really in the picture. Everyone else was ducking and running so you'd get part of their legs or half of their head or whatever. And there's Hailey, smiling and looking, looking and smiling. At the park, on the boat, at Hershey, holidays, water park, picnics, just around the house......always smiling.

This little girl, she was my sweetie. We would talk. We had a great connection and could talk about anything. I miss her a lot.

Okay, so now I'll tell what happened because I have to. I can't talk about how great she is anymore right now because I just keep having flashes of her through my head and it's tearing me up. I need to go to clinical mode and just get through this.

So, Friday, October 27, Hailey was having a bad time with her asthma. She did that every spring and fall so this was no different. We've been to the hospital with her a few times. We've all done nebulizer treatments and raced for an inhaler at one point or another. This was no damn different.

She was with her daddy that day and spending the weekend with him. Along with the little sister, Jade, who will be 5 in December. I talked with Trace around 9 and she mentioned Hailey having a tough day with it. She said she'd call if they went to the hospital or anything. We planned on taking her kids to see my kids in a Halloween parade on Sunday. I told her to wish Hailey luck in her cheerleading competition the next day, sorry we couldn't go. At 11 pm, Tracy called Nick (the daddy) and asked how it was going. He said part way through the 4th treatment, Hailey took off the mask and asked for her inhaler. She then said she felt okay and she went to bed. Tracy was staying the night at her boyfriends and told Nick she was going to turn off her phone because the battery was almost dead and she wanted it for the cheerleading comp. No problem. All is well. She turned it off at 11:30.

I got a call at 4 something in the morning. The phone rang and I tried to answer. It was from an unknown caller, no # displayed. I missed the call. 10 seconds later, the phone rang from Tracy. She was quiet. I said hello again and she choked out 'Dawn'. I sat up and asked what's wrong, what's going on. I thought her and Steve got into an arguement. They don't fight but it could happen. She said Hailey died. ......long pause. I didn't think I heard her right so I asked what. She said Hailey died. No. What? How? What? No. No no no nonono.

Where are you? I'll be right there.

Okay. I had to call my mom for a ride. My car broke down the day before and that's the last time I saw Hailey, when her momma came to save my ass from walking 6 miles. My conversation consisted of "Hiya Sweetie, how are you? Good! How're those grades? You're going to be on the honor roll AGAIN?? Wow, that's cause you're such a good student! Great job little love! You always make me so proud!" Big smiles. That was it. I wish I had hugged her. She was in the back but when they let me off, I should have hugged her. Alright. So, my mom, who is usually not too nice, woke up and stepped up and took me immediately.

I got to Tracys parents house and Nick was on the porch. I walked up and he just started to bawl. I was out with him for a little but I had to get to Tracy. I went in and she was stoic. Her parents were there but not in the room with her. She saw me and started to cry uncontrollably. She missed it. She missed what? She didn't get to be there when Hailey died.

This is hard. I'll be back.

Attempting to blog.....again

Okay. This thing. Blogger. I was getting totally disgusted so I stopped altogether but there has been so much, SO MUCH going on that I need to get this down. Imagine that. Me. Needing to write something.

I've tried posting blogs a bunch of times but when I hit publish it goes back to my sign in. Driving me nuts. I'm going to c/p this one and e-mail it to myself before I hit that damn button this time. Then I'm going to save as draft instead of publishing first.

Going back. Tuesday, October 3, I made The Hottie a birthday pie. Completely from scratch, crust and all. Blueberry, his favorite. I cut a 4-0 out of crust and put it on top. It was really cute and he was shocked. Happy. He's never had anyone make a fuss for his birthday so it was really adorable. All I could think was he's going to be beside himself that weekend when I take him away! Saturday, October 7, I took The Hottie for our first overnight thing. We hadn't really done anything other than normal date type stuff and this was a little getaway thing. I got to his house at 1 (he lives 1 hour and 15 minutes from me) and I gave him the photo of the old hotel that he's been searching for. It took so much work and calling all over to get that and then my uncle (a master photographer, look up Kirk Zutell) enlarged it and used his equipment to clean it up. It came out beautiful. Then we left on a lovely autumn day for Huntingdon, PA, about 2 hours away near Raystown Lake and not far from State College. We got lost along the way because... well, it's what I do. Everywhere the first time. (He didn't get mad so I thought he just might be a keeper:) Anyway, we eventually got to the B&B, Hemlock House. It was so pretty! Our room was separate from the house though. The converted Wood Shed! How freaking hilarious! And perfect hehe! Since he had worked that morning, he said he would prefer a quiet dinner with me. Good answer! I already arranged for the chef at the B&B prepare crabcakes, filet mignon, salmon and shrimp for dinner with a wildberry cheesecake for desert. NUM! I took along a couple bottles of wine and some Victory Brewing Company Hopdevil beer. We ate well, got schnookered and watched college ball. There was a little fireplace in our room that cast a pretty glow. It was excellent. The next morning, we had breakfast and then went to the Swigart Museum to see his favorite car, The Tucker. Well, not only do they have #13 The Blue Waltz Gown there but they also have the prototype, The Tin Goose. He was floored! I loved his face and we were there for well over 2 hours. Since the place wasn't busy, the guy that worked there actually opened the doors and hood and trunk and let us take all kinds of pictures, answered a ton of questions. I bought him a t-shirt and magnet and matted numbered limited photo for keepsakes. We stopped at an antique shop too but didn't find a frame for the photo of the hotel but we had a ton of fun looking! This guy is awesome. He's so nice!!

Okay, keeping with The Hottie theme for now. There is something else that has happened that I want to write about. Very sad. But I don't think I'll have time today. Plus, I am wiped out with grief and as I'm writing, I am thinking that I just don't want to relive it just yet. I will. This week, for sure. But not today, kay?

About Him:) Since then, we have been seeing each other about 2-3 times a week. We just hang out mostly, which is fine. With our hours and kids schedules, it's how it works out. I know we aren't doing anything or going anywhere but I still have a great time. Great time!

About 2 weeks ago (what kind of girl am I that I don't know the date??), we were talking and he told me that he isn't talking with anyone else anymore. Well, I hadn't been really talking with anyone else anyway by then and hadn't gone out with anyone else since around Sept something so cool:) I still didn't consider us actually exclusive, not sure why. In writing this, I guess maybe I should have? Anyway, this past Thursday it was made clear that he definitely only wants to see me. So, yep, I gots me a boyfriend! Oh yeah I want to see where it goes! He's very possibly the nicest person I have ever met. Oh, he has a bit of sarcasm going on but I like that:) I dish that myself! He's very loving and open and a truly awesome father. Helpful and courteous. Smart, funny as all get out. Generous with his time and attention. Logical and reasonable and doesn't jump to conclusions. Oh, did I mention patient and tolerant because that is what someone needs to be with me involved. Consistent. Are there any negative traits? Hmmmm. If I were a jealous type then maybe how other women come onto him. But that's not him doing anything but being the sweetest guy in the world. Of course they want him! Can't help what they do but he is not a cheater. Very down to earth and honest. So honest. It's great!!!

His body is perfect. No kidding, perfect. He's got the bod of a 20 year old. Not big and bulky but lean and muscular. Not too thin. 5'10". No belly at all. Yes, that absolutely means I have to get my ass into shape.

And his eyes glow. I mean it! I can see his eyes in the dark! It's amazing. They are bluish green and beautiful. Awesome smile. Gush gush gush!! Man I sound like I'm 15 years old. Okay, well, here's the thing. We were watching ball the other day and I was leaning on his chest with his arm around me. He kissed the top of my head and I got butterflies. Again. Uh oh! SCARY!!! That has happend a few times with him, including the first time I met him and I don't know what it means but it has a double effect one me. On one hand, I am scared to shit about opening up and letting someone close. I look for every excuse to run away from people. (I know why and I know it's wrong. It's just fear to trust because I haven't known anyone that I really have been able to. I'm working on it!) On the other hand, he is truly wonderful and I haven't felt that was since one time at the beach when I stopped in my tracks at 14 years old cause some boy and I caught eyes and my stomach flipped. He stopped too so maybe he felt it. My grandma turned around, grabbed my arm and pulled me away. The end. No clue who he is. Anyway, I wonder if my Hottie feels that. Do guys even get that way about someone? Can one person feel it and the other not? I'm not going to ask him. Maybe someday if we get married or something but that would be a long (long!) way off and lots has to happen in the mean time. Like, meet each others kids. We'll see!

I am going to get off of here and finish cleaning and then get my shower, take my kids to their pops and head up to see Him. We are going Christmas shopping for the kids together and then checking out a new house he's been looking at. Right on the Susquehanna River. My kind of place, I could keep my boat there:) Yep, time to go and get work finished so I can leave.

I'll be back soon! Let ya know how it went! :) Hope I didn't bore your socks off! Later Taters!