Hailey

Okay, so I've avoided this for a while. I hate writing this. I'm going to go through it very quickly to get it over with, okay? Please just hang in there and let me?

When I was with Tracy that morning, she asked me to listen to her vm on her cell. The messages, she knew, would be from her ex telling her about Haileys situation and that she needed to get there. Remember Tracy turned off her phone at 11:30? The vm started at 11:31 pm. I really am not even able to go into the messages other than I have never heard terror in anyones voice before. 13 messages. Her phone was off. Oh my God, I will never ever have my phone off again if I'm not with my kids. I now carry an extra car charger and wall charger every freaking place I go. I will not miss an emergency call.

Finally, around 1 am, someone went to Tracy's boyfriends house and got her. They raced to the hospital. She went into the room and saw Hailey on the bed. There wasn't anyone around her so she figured she was out of trouble. She went to her and kissed her and talked to her and Haileys little face was bloated. The stress? I don't know. When Tracy kissed her, she moved her head and heard her sigh. About that time, her mom who was sitting in the room started to bawl and told her that they did everything that they could. What? What? What do you mean? Tracy didn't know her little girl had died yet and it all hit her as she realized she wasn't there when Hailey passed away. I'm so sorry, I don't know if I can finish this.

Okay. What happened was she was able to inhale but not exhale. She couldn't expel the CO2. As a result, her lungs were filled and then overfilled. Did you ever take a blown up balloon and squeeze it? Know how there may be a spot where the laytex is thinner and it bulges out right there? Well, her lung did that and then almost instantly, it exploded. The force of the air took away the vacuum property that we have holding our parts in their places (see Tension Pneumothorax) and shoved her heart to the right side of her chest resulting in cardiac arrest, which was the actual cause of death.

That quick. But after hours of struggle and fear.

So, since then we've had Halloween and her momma had to take her 4 year old little sister trick or treating the day before her funeral. We've had Thanksgiving. And we've had a combo birthday party for the little sister and my Delaney last week. It was hell. Horrible. Trying to celebrate, yes. Realizing life goes on. But Hailey was a doll baby and we miss her. She won't get to be 10. Dammit.

We went through the Christmas gifts her mom bought her and gave them to the elementary school for some needy family. We cleaned up some of her stuff out of the room she shared with her sister. We have pictures and her dad and older brother got tattoos. We have all kinds of stuff to remind us of her. We just don't get to have her.

Thank you for your comments and support. Your help is incredible and I never thought I'd even have a blog but I am so glad I do. Thanks for reading about Hailey.